My milk just never really came in. So, after trying so hard, I had to move to formula and my baby has had bad reflux. He was being sick after every feed — sometimes just a little bit, other times the whole bottle. I was so stressed I took him to hospital. The doctor gave me the classic “Is this your first?” and said it was normal, but did give us something to help. That helped a bit… but then came the constipation. Then I mentioned the constipation to my neighbour and she laughed and said, “There’s always something wrong with him!” I know she probably didn’t mean anything by it, but it stung.

And now… I’m really struggling to bond with him. I didn’t feel like this at the start, but lately it’s been hard. He hates being put down, cries constantly, and I don’t even get 5 minutes to pee without a meltdown. I’ve tried everything — cuddles, singing, reading, walks — but I just don’t feel that connection right now. He clings to me and rubs his head into my neck (which I used to love), but now it just makes me feel drained and overstimualted. 

Tried opening up to the health visitor and she said “oh babies can be fussy around this age” and suggested a mum-and-baby group. But honestly, the thought of sitting in a room full of people right now makes me feel sick. I’ve taken him to the shops a couple of times and when he starts crying, I panic and feel like everyone’s staring at me, judging.

I’ve only got a few close friends and no family nearby. One friend offered to babysit, but I don’t want to come across like I’m dumping him on people and as he is so difficult I just don't think he will setlle for her. 

Earlier today I was holding him and trying to make a bottle, and he flailed his arm, knocked it out of my hand, and half of it spilled. I just snapped. Got angry, then cried. I know it wasn’t his fault… but I’m on edge all the time. I hate feeling like this.

Im not sure if this is postnatal depression or just the baby blues. Does this actually get better?

I feel like he picks up on my mood. He doesn’t really smile (unless he’s farting, lol), but he looks at me, and sometimes I can’t even look back — especially when I’m upset or exhausted.

I just don’t feel like myself anymore.
Anyone else been through this? Did it pass?

Thanks if you’ve read this far x